fleshyorgans

This is sort of a personal rumination. Fair warning.

I changed my profile picture on Facebook (and Tumblr) to one of me kissing my own bicep. It’s a tight shot, cropped close — I sort of want to take it down.

I decided I need to keep it up until I determine why it makes me feel uncomfortable.

First, let me describe how this image came into existence.

I’ve been working out lately, doing the hundred pushups crunches, lifting bags of sand, etc. I feel great — fitter, healthier, more productive. I’m happy with both the physical aspects of energy level and health and the mental feeling that I’m doing something to better myself in definite ways.

Friday morning I was getting dressed and discovered that the combination of clothing shrink from the laundry and arm growth from the exercise had granted me arm-hugging sleeves. This made me inordinately happy.

This pleased me so much, in fact, that my entire day seemed giddy and happy. I joked to friends about my nascent musculature. I made jokes about “my pipes” and “tickets to the gun-show”. I threatened to kiss my biceps in a horrible, douchey way.

Then, for kicks and giggles, I offered to take a picture of just that and send it to anyone who wanted to see it. You see the result; it’s actually crazily close to what I had in mind when I made the offer, even though I had someone else take the picture for me.

I think the problem I have with this image is that it inadvertently captured the underlying unease that drove all the jokes, comments, and giddiness of my Friday. On the one hand, I really want to look good and be healthy: both for my wife because I’d like to be attractive for her, but also for myself because I’d like to feel that I look good. I’ve rarely been in that position; I still carry the self-image around of being 90 pounds and five foot two surrounded by six foot upperclassmen.

And so I think my discomfort is that I’m sort of showing that I really am proud of my developments; meanwhile knowing that it’s no great shakes, but fearing that other people may misinterpret me. What it comes down to is I want people to correctly understand what I’m excited about.

I know that I can’t control what other people think. That’s the difficulty with life, I guess. Constantly reminding oneself that one can only control the space inside one’s head — and sometimes not even then.

I think I’m going to keep the avatar up for a little while.

by meditating more often. I find this particular meditation particularly good for centering and calming. Chakra Meditation (via ReikiRachael) I highly recommend morning meditation, by the way. It is astonishing how much it improves my view of the subsequent day.

The sempai who has been instructing me in jujitsu recently sent an email around with a couple links to the history of jujitsu. One of them was specifically about “combat jujitsu”, written by a something-dan. It kind of bothered me.

The guy seems to know his stuff. There’s a lot of history and knowledge, and I don’t debate the truth of it. My knowledge of jujitsu is only from the classes I’vetaken and wikipedia, not from a sensei proper. However, I take issue with the implication that Combat Jujitsu is the best martial art.

The reason it strikes a nerve with me is, honestly, my heart is given to Kyokushin Karate. My experience at my old dojo fostered so many positive changes in how I view the world, others, and myself that I’m sort of defensive of the style. (And coincidentally, this defensive/protective response is opposite the teachings of Kyokushin.)

Once I’d cleared away the irrational reaction, however, I realized that the greater thing that bothered me was the implication that my Sempai approved of that worldview — that jujitsu or “combat jujitsu” is the be-all end-all of martial arts. And that bothers me because it conflicts with a truth I hold dear: if you view any particular thing as “the most”, or “the best”, or “the greatest”, you have closed your mind to learning, closed your mind to progress, and closed your mind to compassion. This goes double if you are actively involved with the thing in question. I don’t want to be trained in a style that teaches itself as anything more than a way with both pros and cons.

Lastly, a corollary specific to martial arts is that if you are unable to see the value of another style or unable to see the deficiencies in your selected techniques, if you are of the personality prone to make statements like “this is the most dangerous martial arts form”, you are necessarily missing the spirit of budo, and thus missing the mental/spiritual aspects of learning any martial art.

The most effective practitioners of any given style* are the ones who have learned focus without thought, empty mind, relaxed awareness. Speaking of any style as being the best is speaking from the ego, which cannot exist with empty mind.

In any event, this is just a long rumination to clear the my thoughts. And now I have resolved the conflict for myself. I am thankful for Sempai for  presenting this opportunity to gain more wisdom.

*essentially I am saying if you take two practitioners of the same style at the same equivalence, I would bet real money on the one with the stilled mind and compassionate spirit.

Jardin des Tuileries, originally uploaded by Brimley.