This may be a little disconnected.
I saw Garden State last night… so goood. My friend adam has a (somewhat older) journal entry with thoughts on it. I’ll just say I echo his impression of the movie, with the added note that perhaps the most effective scene for me was the party scene at the very beginning where Large is sitting there zoning in the back room while everyone plays spin the bottle. It wonderfully evoked recollections of past High School and post-HS parties I’d gone to in days past. The overall tone of disconnectedness and portrayal of going nowhere lives also had a particular resonance with me, as up until recently I’ve felt VERY much that way. A very entertaining and touching movie. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s the excellent characters, but I actually know or have known people like every single character in that movie, to a certain extent.
It’s strange, I’ve seen quite a few movies lately and each of them (minus Bourne Supremacy) has felt like a significant movie to me. You know, those movies where you walk out feeling pondersome and introspective and can’t really carry on a conversation immediately after seeing it cause you’re trying to order your thoughts and reactions. I’m wondering if I’ve just had good luck or if my recent elevation out of job-depression has altered the way I’m viewing things in general.
I hadn’t really realized how fully depressed my old job made me. Well, not so much the job itself, but the financial and social situation the job brought about (not a lot of money, no coworkers to talk to, etc). Since starting my programming gig several weeks ago, I just feel filled with joy and light — hokey as it sounds. Finally I don’t feel aimless like Large’s gravedigger friends are depicted. Finally I feel like I’m going somewhere. This may be because I’ve had a “when I get a different job” goal for so long that now that I find myself past the goalpost, it’s freeing.
I know work shouldn’t be my life, but it and its financial aspects have been my focus for so long that it really IS my life. Further, what I do defines me on a certain level — if asked what I do I say, “I’m such and such at such and such a place”. In the saying of it I’m silently approving or disapproving of what I do, and thus myself; for, if I’m doing something I consider stupid or bad, by my association I must also be stupid or bad. I don’t know if that’s coherent.
And not to say that my previous job was stupid or bad, just that it was emotionally deadening after awhile; and so MY impression of the job as less than desirable transferred to an impression of myself (for being the one doing the job) as undesirable. Add to that the fact that, for whatever reason, I did a phenomenal job at the last place without really trying — which led me to view it as not a challenge, not engrossing, almost not worthy of me… though I never explicitly thought of it as such in so many words. More, any jackass can do this job (though I know that’s realistically not the case.)
Suddenly I’m thrust into a new environment with new challenges… reawakening the dormant programming neurons. I’ve been telling people that I can sort of feel the mind reconnecting and reawakening in parts. I’m not kidding. It’s a strange sensation and a little exhausting. I’ve had to recall and use things I did 4 years ago. I’ve had to use proedures I learned in classes 6 years ago. I’ve had classes involving programming since my startup job, but nothing on this level. It’s really akin to a keystone class at college. Objects, hard-core and complex relational databases, non-intuitive data manipulation. It’s awesome. I got the happy jigglies when I ran across a recursive function in an include file, if that gives you any insight (if you know what I’m talking about).
So I’ve got this great vibe because I’m doing stuff that’s interesting and challenging, and finally when people ask me, “what do you do?”, I can say, “I’m a programmer”, or “I’m a developer”, and feel a certain sense of pride because what I do is very much not what the average joe can do. It’s not elitism, it’s accomplishment and joy in the use of my acquired abilities.
I’ve got some leftover financial issues stemming from the lag time between job paychecks, but they don’t seem so much of an issue. I’m getting payed a lot more than I was making before, and even though it’s not enough to suddenly buy all the things I’ve wanted like a laptop, new desktop, suspension, and wheels, even that isn’t sad for me. My environment suddenly seems sparkingly and new, and I am happy again.
Also, my typing is faster. So there’s that as well.
