Went to the hospital to see my Uncle die, today.
Well, he’s actually my step-uncle. I’ve maybe said 5 words to him, ever — no real relationship with him. I used to attempt small-talk with him at family events we went to, but more for courtesy and friendliness than anything else. By the time I’d met him several years ago he’d already started a downward slide and was on a lot of pain medication. So really there wasn’t a lot of interaction. Today I went to the hospital mainly for my mom’s benefit and the benefit of my aunt. I’m not trying to say that I didn’t care that the man was dying, just that it was almost on the level of reading an obituary of a stranger; I’m sad that the person is dying, but there isn’t a personal connection.
I arrived at the hospital around 1:40. He had died about 35 minutes before I arrived, while I was still in transit. I meet my folks outside where they’re each having a cigarette. They ask if I want to go up to “say goodbye”. I’m not sure if I do. I didn’t want to go up there to see this man who’d just died and have all these people think I just came because I had, to since I was family; though at a certain level that’s exactly why I came.
I went up. I saw Wayne lying there. It’s the strangest thing, but I started crying.
I can’t tell you what I was sad about. I’m happy for Wayne because he was in a lot of pain, and suffering quite an awful lot. He was lucid enough to request a DNR (do not resuscitate). The fact that he signed such shows that he just wanted to die. I’m sad for my aunt and her family, but not weeping sad. Mainly I just cried without thought. Perhaps it was an opportunity is all, cause I don’t let myself cry ever.
When my dad came over asking how I was doing, I told him I wasn’t ready for him to die yet. Which, of course, made me cry harder.
As I’m typing this, I’m cringing at taking this event and making some kind of narcissistic, how awful for me post. Living alone makes it extremely easy to fall into introspection though, and I’ve never posted personal issues before, so I’ll run with it. Whatever I feel right now pales next to my aunt and cousins. I’ll just say I’m just expressing my reactions and leave it at that.
My thoughts are: I don’t know how many people will be at my funeral when I die. For sure my family will be there, and I don’t take that for granted. The way it’s looking I probably won’t have a grieving widow or children. As for friends, I kind of feel that my level of interaction with people in general is such that it’ll be an “oh how sad” event. This is nothing against my friends at all. I just don’t know that my death would be important enough for people to actually show up at my funeral.
Part of the reason for that, I think, is hidden in how I titled this post. I feel I have to enter a disclaimer before all this… I don’t post serious stuff. I don’t make a connection with people. Jon is the funny, yet even-tempered guy. Jon never has an issue with people. Even if something shitty happens, it’s a funny shitty and he’s never angry. I’m a charicature, around for entertainment but not close relationships.
So, I guess it’s my fault that no one shows up at my funeral. I just don’t know how to fix that.
